Lessons from India

I just returned three days ago from a month-long journey through Himachal Pradesh in northern India. Under the auspices of the Himalayan Health Exchange, I was among a group of 40 medical students, residents, physicians, and support staff who traveled to various remote villages to set up medical camps for the locals. After my first year of medical school I lived and worked with my aunt who is a practicing OB/Gyn in a small community hospital in Bangalore, India.

This experience was nothing like what I did in 2004.

Aside from the fact that I now have four years of medical school behind me with plenty of clinical experience, I have grown and changed so much that my perception of things is completely different now than it was four years ago. Among other things, I have cultivated a real sense of independence and self-sufficiency which I dearly lacked when I started medical school. Part of this is related to inexperience with the ways of the world which led me into many unhealthy relationships, both romantic and platonic. Only after making those mistakes could I really look at who I was and who I wanted to become. At that point, I realized that the unhealthiest relationship of all was the one I had with myself. Thus I embarked on a journey to rebuild everything from the ground up. Psychiatry played a big part in that journey, revealing diagnoses of generalized anxiety disorder and seasonal affective disorder. Once I was undergoing effective treatment for the biological aspects of my poor mental and emotional health, I could focus on the spiritual aspects of my quest.

The most difficult hurdle in the path to self-discovery are the bright lights and ringing noises of the people around you. When everyone you identify with starts making decisions about their lives that don't make sense for your life, a true identity crisis sets in. So many people get engaged and married as the end of medical school approaches, and as much as I know I am nowhere near making that sort of a sacrifice and commitment to another person, it did throw my goals into doubt. Finding kindred spirits helped to overcome those doubts, but it was the more arduous task of constantly reminding myself that I was responsible for my own happiness which really shaped who I am today.

What does all of this have to do with India?

India is an unforgiving, starkly beautiful place which strips away the trappings of Western life and forces the visitor to face what is revealed. Because of this, I was able to examine myself and realize that I have made great progress on my quest for self-definition. The journey will go on for a lifetime and I am looking ahead to whatever the future holds.

Mish-mash of mullings

For some reason, the untimely death of Heath Ledger disturbed me to the core. Perhaps it is because he is the epitome of the young, handsome Hollywood talent with so much potential who has very serious turmoil underneath the surface, or perhaps it is because there was something easy and familiar about him that made me feel like he was a friend. Death has been something I have taken a long time to grasp, and even though I've come closer to accepting certain truths, every now and then my foundation is tested.

While we're on a depressing subject, I'd just like to openly state that if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination, I will cry. I will also henceforth refer to her campaign as "Billary" for self-evident reasons.

On a perkier note, I am just four months away from earning my medical degree! Truth be told, it feels a bit anticlimactic. This journey began for me when I was a wee lass just discovering the untold depths of science. There have been countless sacrifices, tests of mental and physical stamina, triumphs, failures, doubts (plenty of doubts), and seemingly insurmountable obstacles which I have survived. For it all to culminate in an afternoon of keynote speakers, sentimental presentations, and marching across a stage in a funny hat just seems so... unimpressive. I guess the real thrill will come the first time I can sign my name with my fresh new title :-)

In other news, I have created a sister blog, if you will, called Beauty/Truth that will feature product reviews, opinions, and experiences from years of perfecting my approach to skincare and makeup. Whether that sort of thing appeals to you or not, I hope you'll find something interesting among my posts!

I'm not really a doctor. I just play one on TV.

Having given a fair amount of thought to the way doctors, hospitals, and the general practice of medicine are portrayed on various popular TV shows, I thought I'd share my assessment. I've listed only the shows of which I have watched enough episodes to formulate an opinion, so any omissions are reflective either of my busy schedule away from the couch or an utter lack of desire to subject myself to broadcast garbage.

ER *** The first, the classic, the one that heralded the era of medical dramas! I have to say the show was strongest in the first three seasons and began to falter once George Clooney left. And I'm not just saying that because he's a hunk of burnin' love. He added a real depth to the show as a multidimensional character - a soft-hearted pediatrician dedicated to his patients and a bad boy who womanizes and breaks hearts - which is often hard to find. His friendship with Anthony Edwards' character was also a real highlight of the show. I wasn't a huge fan of his ongoing angsty entanglement with Julianna Margulies, mostly because it played up the stereotype of the doctor-nurse soapy romance. In terms of the show overall, however, there were definite medical inaccuracies, both in the science and the practice of medicine. I understand that reality is fairly dull, but I would have enjoyed the show more if it was a little bit more factually sound. I also have to say I was a big fan of Dr. Romano and the episode in which he is killed by a plummeting helicopter was the end of my failing patience with the show.

Scrubs ***** Easily my favorite medical show for many reasons. I have found it to be the most realistic portrayal of actual medicine on TV in the types of patients and treatments they depict. The relationships among the physicians and nurses are of course peppered with a healthy dose of scripted humor, but I will say that the characters are universal - the cocky but good-hearted attending, bossy protective nurses, and each of the residents remind me of someone I have worked with. The humor in the relationship between Dr. Cox and J.D. is one of the best developed. When I've had an especially difficult day in the hospital, there's no better way to lift my spirits than to watch Scrubs.

Grey's Anatomy ** Eh. I like the first season, mostly because the trashy love triangles and interpersonal angst was fresh and engrossing. And McDreamy really is, well, dreamy. But by the end of the season, I was frustrated by the lack of evolution in their relationship, and by the fact that every single heterosexual male who interacts with Meredith Grey can't help but come on to her. First of all, she's not hot. She's also not blonde, which for some reason the show's writers seem to be convinced she is. (You want a hot blonde doctor who is much more deserving of amorous attention? Katherine Heigl. Hello.) I also got increasingly irritated by Meredith's vapid monologues which, when you really listen, don't say much of anything. Example: Sometimes things seem to be going well. And then you realize they aren't. But you go on. Because maybe things will change. Thanks for that staggering insight, Dr. Grey. Now I see why everyone wants to hump you. And, lest we forget, aside from all this excruciating sexual drama, the medicine on the show isn't even accurate or interesting! The only thing that is worth all the hype is Sandra Oh. She rocks. And Katherine Heigl, as previously mentioned. Interesting how they are the only two actors on the show to have garnered awards...

House ***** Rapidly climbing the ranks to join Scrubs as my favorite shows, I just started watching the first season on DVD and I'm hooked. Loaded with multidimensional characters, not the least of which is Dr. House himself, this show is smart and doesn't assume its viewers are any less. Granted, the medicine is far-fetched, but that's kind of the premise of the show to begin with. And it's well-researched and 100% accurate. There is a fair dose of interpersonal drama but it's all believable and not over-acted. It's also not in any way the focus, either of the show or of any individual episode, making it beautifully subtle and immensely captivating. Speaking of which, I would be lying if I didn't admit that Hugh Laurie's I'm-a-sexy-asshole-and-I-know-it shtick is pretty alluring. He is also incredibly quotable and I wish that it would be appropriate to use House-isms in the real hospital.

Well, there you have it: my personal take as someone "on the inside." I know that I'm biased because I'm one of those people who criticizes these shows for being unrealistic and I realize that they aren't meant to be educational. That's why they have The Learning Channel. :-)

It's going to be a good year

Today I am officially 26 years old so I would like to take this opportunity to reflect a bit, and share my thoughts about the next 12 months which will be a time of tremendous transition and discovery.

For the longest time, I had this idea, this vision, that my life would become complete by the time I graduated from medical school. I used to think that turning 25 would be like flipping a switch and all my dreams and goals would fall into place. By the time I started medical school, I was doggedly set on this notion, fully convinced that it was the best path for me, indeed, the path for which I was destined. In this spirit, I threw myself into a relationship with someone who was far from the ideal life partner I was certain he was meant to be. I told myself that if he wasn't "the one," then my perfect little plan would start crumbling. So I stuck it out for as long as I could - until our jokes about living together and getting married started to become less jocular and more serious. I realized at that point that if I was to adhere to my lifelong imagined future, then clearly I should marry this person. I also realized that if I did marry him, I was certain to be miserable and unfulfilled for the rest of my life. And that had not figured into my idealistic plan.

So, at the tender age of 23, I overhauled my entire approach to my future, my plans, my goals. To myself. It became clear to me that 25 was no magic number. Looking around me, I saw people my age who, like me, were making major life decisions on the basis of fear, uncertainty, and insecurity. I vowed that I would not let myself fall victim to the lure of the path of least resistance. Armed with this new resolution and self-assurance, I did something that the "old me" wouldn't have even considered doing. I took a year off after my third year of medical school. Since I had become more attuned to my innermost yearnings, I knew that I was not ready to graduate and start an internship in 2007. The very thought of it filled me with fear and anxiety, not excitement and anticipation. This major deviation from the beaten path was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Over the course of my year off, I was able to examine my past, present, and future without the external pressures of school and my peers. I was also able to reaffirm all the reasons I went to medical school in the first place. I attended weddings of fellow classmates with nothing but peace in my heart, whereas the "old me" would have felt sadness and a sense of failure that I was not having a wedding of my own.

I am now 11 months away from becoming a physician. When I ponder that fact, I am still plagued with fear and anxiety. But those feelings give way to a greater sense of anticipation and fulfillment that I have come so far and am truly ready to take this next step in my career. As for my personal life, I have never felt more content and enriched by my relationships with my family and dearest friends. I feel complete at this moment, not because of any outward symbols of success, such as a graduate degree and a husband, but because I have decided to feel complete with what I have, since what I have is priceless. I don't know where I will go after graduation, or who I will meet, or what direction my career will take. But I know that, no matter what, I will be true to myself, so I have nothing to fear.

In memoriam

My deepest condolences to Trish, Sydney, and Tiz as they mourn the sudden loss of their sweet little mutt, Lou.

I'm glad I had the chance to pet him, play with him, and laugh at his goofy, spirited antics. Even though they hadn't had him for very long, he was a cherished member of the Seymour-Tisdell-Straub family, and he will be sorely missed.

Out, out, brief candle

Last week's horrible events at Virginia Tech really affected me on levels I wasn't even aware of. The night after it happened, I had nightmares of my parents being dead, probably as a result of reading about an Indian man with a wife and two daughters who was one of the professors killed in the shooting. I guess it shook me up that this is the kind of thing that could happen anywhere to anyone. It was, on a smaller scale, the same sense of instability and uncertainty I felt on September 11, 2001. Perhaps also because my sister is a student at MIT, the parallels to Virginia Tech being however superficial are nonetheless significant when it's someone you love. It was one of those days that makes you want to drop what you're doing, gather everyone you care about into your arms and hold them for a little while.

As more details emerged about the troubled young man at the center of it all, the fear in my heart gave way to empathy and sadness. Mental illness is something I strive to make others regard as equivalent to any physical ailment. Just like diabetes or cancer, severe psychiatric diseases have profound physical and emotional impact and, if left untreated, destroy lives irreversibly. As the week went on, it became evident that the whole situation brought up more issues than the obvious. Undoubtedly and appropriately, there was a focus on gun control and campus safety. But as the inevitable question of why began to take center-stage, so much more emerged: ethnic identity (the significance, if any, of the shooter's heritage as a Korean-American who emigrated to the States as a young boy); community (his family's isolation and unsuccessful attempts by their cultural and geographic neighbors to reach out to them); responsibility (many of his teachers recognized that he was unwell and shared their concerns with the school's administration, to no avail); and of course, the stigma of mental illness, especially when the illness is poorly understood or socially uncomfortable, such as the likely autism and/or psychotic disorder the shooter suffered from.

In the end, I am left not only with grief and sympathy for the families of the victims who did not know that the last time they said I love you was truly the last, but also with understanding and compassion for the family of the shooter, a victim in his own right, who felt isolated and unloved despite the thousands of I love yous he heard throughout his brief and tortured life.